No I didn’t see Avatar yet

Posted on January 6, 2010
Filed Under Married With Children, Movies | Leave a Comment

Not a day goes by where I don’t get an instant message, SMS text or Facebook mail from a friend asking if I’ve seen Avatar. Considering the movie has grossed more than a $1 billion worldwide, I must be one of the few people left who have not made the pilgrimage to the local theater to see James Cameron’s latest sci-fi epic.

It’s not that I have anything against James Cameron. Aliens is among the best movies ever made. I only saw The Terminator like 179 times. Just like everybody else on the planet, I forked over my greenbacks to see Titanic, even though I held out until a friend assured me there was a quality nude scene that would make sitting through the sappy love story worthwhile (and Kate Winslet delivered, no doubt about that).

And my favorite movie genre is sci-fi, though I’m not sure if Avatar falls into my favorite sub-genre of science fiction: post-apocalyptic dystopia. Give me some nuclear fallout, a mutation or two, assless chaps, megalomaniacal monkeys and/or zombies and I’m a pig in slop.

But, as any parent with young children will tell you, moviegoing is no longer something you do for pleasure. It’s a job. An animated movie comes out every few weeks, you pack the kids into the minivan, drive to the local theater, fork over an arm and a leg for popcorn, Twizzlers and M&Ms and hope there’s at least something in the film that you’ll find enjoyable. Pixar movies are a rare treat; most of the time you end up with dreck like Horton Hears A Who or SpaceChimps. Thankfully I have recently discovered that I inherited my father’s gift for sleeping through movies. As soon as those opening credits show up, I’m out cold. It’s like hypnosis.

I’m often asked why I don’t just hire a babysitter so we can get out to the movies more often. Sounds easy enough, except the economics doesn’t make sense. You’re paying $40-$50 for the babysitter, then $20 for the movie, and a king’s ransom for snacks. (I’ve often wondered if I should just trade my car keys for a box of Whoppers.) So you’re out close to $80 or more if you include dinner. It’s tough to justify that when so many other bills are piling up. Besides, you can just wait and buy the DVD for $20 or, better yet, order it on NetFlix. Now they even have those $1 rental boxes with the latest releases fully stocked.

Moreover, the moviegoing experience itself is sorely lacking due to the general rudeness of patrons these days. I gave up on seeing movies in New York City a long time ago. You have to get there 30 minutes early just to get a decent seat, and then you’re lucky if you aren’t sitting in front of 30 tourists speaking Swahili (true story).

Last week out here in the suburbs I took the kids to see the new Alvin & The Chipmunks film. After about 40 minutes of blissful sleep, I was awakened by a ruckus a few rows back. Some lady had asked another lady to stop talking during the film. Loud-talking lady didn’t like that very much. A shouting match ensued in which all I could discern were F-bombs — in a theater packed with children! — and soon thereafter it turned into an all-out rumble. The police came in and declared it a crime scene, which meant we couldn’t watch the final 30 minutes. We got free passes but you’ll understand if I’m not exactly eager to return to the multiplex, even if it is to see a blockbuster sci-fi epic that all my friends are talking about.

Crime Dog for the Hall of Fame

Posted on January 4, 2010
Filed Under MLB | Leave a Comment

I’m often surprised, even though I shouldn’t be, at how little support certain players get when it comes to Hall of Fame voting. Remember Will Clark? He of the sweetest follow through on his swing this side of Ted Williams? There are few guys I’d rather have up with the game on the line than Will The Thrill. You know how pitchers and catchers always cover their mouths with their gloves when they meet on the mound nowadays? That’s because of Clark, who read Greg Maddux’s lips in the 1989 NLCS right before taking Maddux deep … “fastball inside.”

I’m not saying Clark belongs in the Hall, but you would think a guy with a .303 career batting average and 2,176 hits would last more than one year on the ballot. The Thrill was named on a mere 4.4 percent of the ballots on his first year of eligibility, 2006. It would be his only year since Hall of Fame voting rules state that any player receiving less than 5 percent gets booted from the ballot.

The results for this year’s inductees are released this week, on Wednesday. First-year men Roberto Alomar and hopefully Barry Larkin should get in. Those are just common-sense no-brainer picks. And perhaps Andre Dawson will too after garnering 67 percent last season. Bert Blyleven has an outside shot, but then what would the statheads do with all their free time if he got in and they had nothing else to complain about?

Judging by a couple of columns I’ve read today from writers who own ballots — our own Jon Heyman at SI.com and Stan McNeal from Sporting News — it doesn’t look as though one of my all-time favorite players will get much of a look on his first try: Fred McGriff. The Crime Dog! McGriff committed the ultimate sin of falling seven home runs short of the round number of 500 all-time dingers, so instead of a first-ballot man he’ll have to wait around a few years, though I think he eventually gets in as voters take more time to examine his consistency and his amazing peak years of 1988-94. Unfortunately, those years were immediately overshadowed by the exploits of the juiced-up musclemen who took over the game in the mid-1990s and were hitting 40 home runs by mid-July. It’s hard to look at McGriff’s numbers now and realize just dangerous he was in the middle of any lineup. Consider that during those peak seasons, these were his park-adjusted OPS+ ratings (100 is average; 150 is bad-ass) according to the almighty baseball-reference.com:

1988: 157
1989: 166
1990: 153
1991: 147
1992: 166
1993: 143
1994: 157

In 1993 he famously sparked the Braves to a division title after a midseason trade, hitting 19 home runs and slugging .612 in 68 games.

McGriff put together two more outstanding seasons in his twilight — 1999 (142 OPS+) and 2001(142 OPS+) — and a decent year in 2002 (125 OPS+) before retiring in 2004. His career numbers: .284-.377-.509 with a 134 OPS+, spread out over 19 seasons, rates a Hall of Fame vote in my book. Unfortunately for Crime Dog, I don’t have a vote. Hopefully the esteemed men and women of the BBWAA — the group that Michael Lewis once labeled the “Women’s Auxilliary” to the baseball establishment (The Club) — will come around on McGriff before he ends up like Will The Thrill.

New Year’s Resolutions

Posted on January 3, 2010
Filed Under Married With Children | Leave a Comment

It’s been a while since I posted here. Since I’m paying for the server space I might as well use it, eh? Here’s my top 5 New Year’s resolutions for 2010.

1) Post at least once a week to my blog. Even if the kids and the wife and the dogs and the housework are taking up all my time, I vow to keep up this blog come hell or high water. With football season over for the Dolphins and Gators and the only thing to watch will be 8 million college hoops games (zzzzzzzz…) I should have plenty of new time on my hands. I’m not promising to be as prolific as Poz by any means, but I’ll do what I can. The posts will be mostly personal or family oriented, though I will peel off a sports diatribe or two when suitably motivated.

2) Win a fantasy league. I failed to make the playoffs in baseball and football in our office fantasy leagues at SI.com last year. (Thanks for nothing, Eddie Royal!) Not good. As tempting as it is to take my ball and go home and stop playing — and as badly as my wife wants that to happen — I’m going to keep coming back for more punishment in hopes of earning bragging rights over my sports savvy co-workers.

3) Read more books. I’ve already had a great start on this one thanks to the wonderful birthday present from my wife last year of the Amazon Kindle. I’ve plowed through more books in the past month than I did all year, with the highlights being Mash — which was co-written by Richard Hooker and W.C. Heinz and is even funnier than the movie — and Tom Wolfe’s The Right Stuff. Also worth a read is Googled from Ken Auletta of The New Yorker. Up next will be a dead tree version of Leo Durocher’s Nice Guys Finish Last gifted to me by Bronx Banter’s Alex Belth. There’s a ton of stuff I feel like I should have read by now but never got around to that I plan on taking on, such as the collected works of Ray Bradbury, Vonnegut, Updike, and James Joyce. At the risk of sounding like a troglodyte I’ve generally avoided classics unless they were assigned to me by English teachers. My attitude has been if it’s not American History or sports, it’s not for me. Time to expand my horizons a bit.

4) Get down below 200 pounds. Of course one of these has to be a cliche’d “lose weight” resolution but after a solid week of hitting the weights and cardio work I’m finally within sight of the goal. The main impetus for this is that my mother — who still insists on shopping for me despite my desperate pleas for her to stop — sent me several pairs of new slacks that are one belt size too small. Instead of returning them, I have vowed to lose those 2 inches and fit into that lower size.

5) Winter-proof the house. During the winter our home in the West Orange, N.J., ‘burbs turns into that Wampa cave on Hoth in Empire Strikes Back. My wife wears layers of sweaters to stay warm; I’m sporting longjohns most of the time. Our daughters, meanwhile, with the advantage of having lived here most of their young lives, run around sockless and in tank tops. They are eskimos. Anyhow, by next winter we’re gonna have the attic completely insulated and have a new gas heater installed. The one we have now has an efficiency rating of about 65 — not exactly EnergyStar.

Baby, I wanna Text you up

Posted on February 25, 2009
Filed Under Married With Children | 2 Comments

One day last week, toward the end of my work shift, I glanced at my BlackBerry and couldn’t believe my eyes. It wasn’t what I saw that shocked me. It was what I didn’t see: text messages.

Usually by the time the whistle blows and I’m sliding down the dinosaur, my wife and I have exchanged a slew of texts, more than enough to keep track of all the doings of our day, however major or minor.

Our texting can range from bona fide breaking news — “I got a promotion!” — to matters more mundane — “What’s for dinner?” Somewhere there is a line of demarcation on things you can and cannot say in a text message, but we’re on a slippery slope here and I’m sure we’re not alone. Hopefully nobody is relaying deaths in the family via text, and splitting up should always be done face to face if possible, though I have heard stories about couples breaking up via texting and teen-agers hooking up via “sexting.”

What’s next? Texting for divorce?

Anyway, back to my original story. I glanced and saw zero texts from the wife. I logged onto Google Mail hoping to see her logged on, so we could just gchat about it. Alas, she wasn’t online. What to do? I bit the bullet and resorted to using … e-mail. Ugh. Might as well write out a letter longhand and slap a stamp on it or, worse yet, actually call her on the phone. Place a call, on my phone? Is this the Middle Ages?

When I got home I immediately asked her if she had texted me earlier. She said she had, dutifully, about five times, and she was quite upset I never texted her back. “Are you blocking my texts?” she groused. Hmm, I thought. There must be something wrong with my phone.

I said, “Honey, do you realize we are in a textless marriage?”

The next day at work I talked it over with my I.T. folks at work, erased a couple of superfluous applications from my BlackBerry and rebooted it. I e-mailed the wife and asked her to send me a test text. A few moments later it came through loud and clear.

Order restored, I packed up my Tupperware in my bag and merrily slid down the dinosaur.

The Real Dope

Posted on February 19, 2009
Filed Under MLB, NFL, Olympics | Leave a Comment

In the not-too distant future …

NEW YORK — Commissioners of the major professional sports leagues and the Olympics announced today a new, foolproof plan to keep athletes from doping.

From now on, any athlete caught using anything that can be classified as a performance-enhancing drug — steroids, HGH, DNA-gene alteration, robotic limbs, etc. — will be executed on site.

They will be shot by firing squad until they are dead, dead, dead.

“Year-long bans and multi-year bans, jail time, international embarrassment and fines have done nothing to stop athletes from cheating all these years,” said IOC president I.M. Karrupt. “No matter what we do, athletes still find a way to cheat. The crooks are always one step ahead of the cops.

“This is the only measure we have left at our disposal to try to stop this insidious plague that is killing the integrity of sports, if not fan interest. . . . Uh, in fact, about that last point, fan interest has never been higher despite the cheating, but let’s not get facts in the way of hysteria.”

The IOC, MLB, NFL and NBA are leaving nothing to chance in their fight against dope. In addition to adding this ultimate penalty for first-time offenders, athletes will be protected by a force field from head-to-toe and kept under 24/7 surveillance when not in competition. (The surveillance is made possible thanks to the new-and-improved Patriot Act!)

“We just can’t take the chance that they will put something into their bodies that may give them a competitive advantage,” MLB commissioner Scott Boras said. “And it’s not just steroids. I mean, God forbid one of these guys gets caught doing a bong hit in public.”

As a bylaw of the new legislation, “bong hit” carries the penalty of death as well, but not before the perp is publically disemboweled at halftime of an NFL game.

Critics point out that the death penalty has been in place here since colonial times and various Middle East countries for centuries, and there is no evidence that it works as a deterrent to violent crime. But those critics are quickly dismissed as nonbelievers.

“The American pro sports leagues have finally fallen in line with Olympics-level testing and penalties,” noted expert Dr. Chuck Yesalis said. “But if you think this will get me off my soapbox anytime soon, you are dead wrong!”

The world’s other “expert” and go-to guy for hack writers looking for someone to talk about steroids in sports, Dr. Gary Wadler, issued the following statement:

“I agree wholeheartedly with the new doping penalties. Now if you will excuse me it’s time for my weekly skin shedding.”

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